By Carmen Critchlow

My name is Carmen Critchlow. I was born in Panama in Central America and came to the United States in 1972 at the age of 13. When I was young and invincible like any other healthy young person, the last thing on my mind was having a chronic illness. I was diagnosed with renal failure at the age of 23. I was told in no uncertain terms that in six years I would need to start dialysis, receive a kidney transplant or die. My daughter was a few weeks old and my son was only four. Of course, I was terrified; I did not want to die and leave them without a mother.

When I was told that I might have to depend on a machine for life, I didn't even know what dialysis was. I never believed that the time for dialysis would arrive, because I did not feel sick until the last few months. In 1984, the time did arrive and I began hemodialysis treatment. I continued on hemodialysis for eight months when my little brother Ramon, came from Panama to give me one of his kidneys, the "Gift of Life."

At the time of the transplant, I was 26 and my brother was 25. My brother did not speak English and I was more scared for him because he was undergoing surgery in a strange place. After seven hours of surgery, we both recovered and his kidney began to work inside of me.

I was happy and looking forward to living a "normal life" again. However, this idea was short lived because in two weeks my new kidney began to experience rejection and I was in and out of the hospital almost every week. I was also experiencing side effects from the immunosuppressant medications. And so for the next five years, I was extremely nervous and concerned.

In the summer of 1989, it seemed as if my kidney had rejected completely, but after six months on hemodialysis, it started working on its own again. I was back on the emotional roller coaster that I was on before. I began to wonder if I wasn't better off on hemodialysis. In 1993, the kidney rejected completely and I was almost relieved, but I also felt somewhat guilty, thinking I had let my brother down.

I decided to wait on the transplant list. I was back on hemodialysis for nine months when I received the call: "We have a kidney for you." I was surprised since I was told that I would have to wait up to five years for a kidney. After the operation, I felt great and was out of the hospital in only two days.  For one year, I enjoyed health that I had not experienced for a long time and I had energy in abundance. When I found a job to help with the finances, I felt like I was contributing to the household, something that I had not done in years.

I was having a wonderful year when I started to feel joint pain. Due to the medications I had been taking for the transplant, I was diagnosed with brittle bone disease. I was in constant pain and things that healthy people take for granted, like eating, bathing and getting dressed became a struggle. To take care of this problem I had parathyroid surgery to remove three-fourths of that gland. Now because my parathyroid gland was not producing the calcium that I needed, I lapsed into hypocalcimia and went into shock. I woke up in the hospital with a vascular catheter in my neck and was told my kidney had rejected.

I was sick, tired and didn't feel like doing anything. I was very depressed at this time, but because I have a loving and supportive family I persevered. During this dark time in my life, I looked to my faith for answers. I had always believed in God, but now I was questioning my existence, my sense of being and my reason for living. I felt totally useless and without value.

I stayed on hemodialysis for another year and then decided to try Continuous Ambulatory Peritoneal Dialysis (CAPD). I enjoyed this treatment because it gave me the independence that I felt I had lost. I could do almost anything I wanted to do. I even took a trip to my native country. For three wonderful years, I used this form of treatment until I contracted a bad peritonitis infection and the catheter had to be removed. It eventually healed enough to be reinserted but within a few days the infection returned again. That was the end of my experience with peritoneal dialysis. I was soon back on hemodialysis.

Now it's 20 years later and I am waiting for a third transplant. I have tried hemodialysis, CAPD and CCPD. I know that these treatments have saved my life. I thank God for this technology because I know that there are other people with illnesses, who are waiting for transplants, but do not have a machine to keep them alive for the interim.

Once I thought that I wanted to give up on life but today I have done more while "sick" than I did while I was healthy. I am a Peer Resource Consultant and Patient Advocate for my dialysis unit. As a result, I started a support group so that I can help others. I am also a Representative for the Gift of Life agency, working to educate people about organ and tissue donation - especially in the minority sector. Although I did not choose this disease, it has made my faith stronger and made me more appreciative of what I have now, like a loving and encouraging family and supportive friends. These 20 years have taught me so much about love and life. I wrote a book: "The Courage to Live." It is the story of my physical, emotional and spiritual struggle with this disease. It can be ordered by clicking here.

Carmen Critchlow is a hemodialysis patient living and working in Battle Creek , Michigan . She has been a kidney patient for over 20 years and serves as a Representative for the Gift of Life Agency promoting organ and tissue donation. She can be reached by e-mail at Minerva_cc@yahoo.com.

This article originally appeared in the September 2002 issue of aakpRENALIFE, Vol. 18, No. 2.

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