By Carolyn Sue Hartman

Hi, my name is Carolyn Sue Hartman and I am a dialysis patient in Visalia, Calif. While looking through my Bible, I ran across the verse Psalm 56:8, which says “He puts tears in a bottle and writes them in his book.” It comforts me to know that God notices every little thing in our lives and nothing goes unnoticed. This brings me to my life as a dialysis patient. You are probably thinking, “big deal.” But believe me, I have walked down the road through disappointments and tears.

Ten years ago, when I turned 50, unexpectedly one morning I became ill with flu-like symptoms and no pain. By night, I was in the emergency room. I could not imagine what was happening to me. I had always been the picture of health. After X-rays and blood tests, the doctor’s conclusion was I had spots on my kidneys and needed further tests. I saw an urologist for a complete evaluation as soon as I got out of the hospital. I really wanted to know what was causing this problem and how I could fix it so I could go on with my life. After many tests, no one could identify the cause of my problem. Needless to say, I was frustrated. I felt in my heart if I knew why my kidneys shut down, everything would be fine.

Another year passed, and again I became sick. I went to the emergency room, followed by a two-week hospital stay and talk of putting me on dialysis. I had no idea what being on dialysis meant. I did well for about a month, but then my doctor told me he discovered my right ureter was too small and needed surgery. While I was in the operating room, they found my right kidney was petrified like a rock and had to be removed. I woke up in a daze with one less kidney. I heard of people living with one kidney and they did fine. I was relieved, believing my health troubles were over. I did well for another year, but then again I had the same symptoms and was back in the hospital. This time I could not escape, I was told I needed a catheter. I started to panic. I thought, “Wait a minute. Aren’t they going to sedate me? Is it going to hurt?” My doctor explained the entire procedure to me before they started.

After it was all over, I calmed down and realized it was not as bad as I imagined. I was put on dialysis for the first time. It was an awesome-looking machine. Questions raced through my mind regarding my health and prognosis. How blessed I was that I had a health problem where I could survive on a machine three days a week and take care of myself for a very long time, as long as I followed the rules. If I had a different health problem, I may not be as lucky. Every day, I thank God for the people who developed this machine for all kidney patients and caretakers to help us.

I visited a dietitian who thoroughly explained the dos and don’ts of my diet. I was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to be able to eat again, so much was on the don’t list. I kept making trips to the hospital, dialyzing and getting antibiotics throughout a period of seven years. It was hard to go back to work, but with determination and stubbornness, I kept going.

Last year, I was told that my remaining kidney had to be removed. It was causing my blood pressure to rise into the 200 range. I already had two strokes in the last two years. In addition, I faced many emotional obstacles. I kept telling myself, I still have four loving children and 13 beautiful grandchildren. What more could I need. I started rationalizing again, “I can get a new kidney, no problem.” I have many relatives who volunteered to donate one. However, none had been a match. Fortunately, I learned my oldest granddaughter’ s kidney is a match to mine and we will soon undergo transplant.

I have always felt, from time to time, I was able to understand a little about life. There is a reason for everything, whether good or bad. Sometimes we may never know, but other times it is as plain as the nose on your face, just be patient. Yes, it is very hard when you are down in your life, but do not let it get to you. Live as an example to others, stand tall and God be with you.

You may not be able to do the things you used to do, but I am sure you can give a smile to at least one person a day. It does not take a lot of strength or time to be kind to others. It will come back to you. Good attitude, faith and love, use them every day, you will feel better about yourself.

Agatha Christie wrote something that I have used many times to sum up my life. “I like living. I have sometimes been wildly despairingly acutely miserable, racked with sorrow and pain, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.”

I would like to thank all my wonderful family, friends and caregivers throughout my life. I hope those who read this will feel they are not alone and continue with their courage and good attitude; it will make a difference in your life. God bless you.

Editor’s Note: Since the creation of this article, Carolyn received a successful kidney transplant from her granddaughter’s donated kidney. She and her family are doing well and she wishes good luck, health and happiness to fellow kidney patients.

This article originally appeared in the January 2005 issue of aakpRENALIFE, Vol. 20, No. 4.

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